I stood there, staring at my reflection. My mind was blank, but one question stood there. Unanswered yet explained.
It was dark, but I could see it.
It buzzed through my brain like an electric current.
It took over my body.
I wanted an answer.
Where do I get it? – Within me.
I was a believer, a warrior.
Am I me? Do I know me?
I wasn’t incomplete, still I felt so. I was alone, what was the noise then?
My blood rushing through my brain?
Or was it my silence?
I stared into my eyes.
Why? What am I looking for?
My lips were still. My face was dead.
It seemed like my blood was still.
Then, what was the noise?
It was the explanations. Then where was my answer?
I turned around, staring at my clock.
Staring at the time passing by, wondering what I had been all this time.
And then, the debate began.
I had to face, ME.
Answer all the questions, with those explanations that lived within me.
“But life doesn’t end here!”
“I know, but how? Just how can I fight all that I’ve gone through, it’s just pilling up. It’ll kill me one day”
“You’re fighter. You can’t die unless your God wants your soul.”
“I feel weak!”
“Why would you?”
“Because, I’m alone, I’m guilty. I could never have what i wanted. Never.”
“BUT! You can’t let your hormones win over your brain lady! You never thought about the consequences of any decisions in your life, you never believed in “IF’s” and “BUT’s”. They never existed! You were always sure, of what you were. How could you regret all decisions you once took?”
And there I sat. Speechless. I was right. This was who I was.
I was strong. Am I yet?
Why do I think I’m weak?
Switching off my lights, I laid down on my bed, staring at the dark night sky from my window.
*Of all the people I know, who would I classify as weak? Or strong?* I asked me.
No one. Everyone has their own plates. Some just use their table manners, others don’t but in the end, they’re all satisfied.
But what about those who believe they aren’t?
Yes. Those are the weak ones.
Only those, who don’t have the courage to accept what’s in their plates,
Those who keep looking into plates of other people and COMPARE themselves. People who aren’t determined. Who don’t LOVE themselves.
But I did. I loved myself, ever since I remember.
Closing my eyes.
I stood in front of ME.
Me – strong, determined and sure.
Just so complete.
My life was well organized.
Everything in place. I knew my priorities, my responsibilities and my deals.
But wait. I see a shadow. A shadow of desires and dreams.
Moving closer, I saw a smile at my face.
A smile that explained.
Just so confident.
Like I knew what was coming my way, even if I didn’t, I was sure how I had to tackle it. I knew it was my life, what matters are my decisions.
Just so independent and free, like a bird.
Certain and assertive.
But there was something in my eyes.
The reflection – the influence of the shadow.
My dreams my desires.
But these are so realistic, then what was it that scared me?
Those dreams which were unseen, those which lived in my heart.
But I was able to differentiate between realistic and unrealistic quite well, that is what gave me the quality of being assertive. I was sure of what I could have, but of course I wanted what I couldn’t. This made me standout – this made me strong.
My life revolved around me, everything was narrated like an open book.
I never cheated or lied to anyone, taking a stand to save or protect anyone doesn’t count in. Since childhood, things were different for ME. My life wasn’t limited to toys. But I could take it.
Why didn’t i go to my mother, nagging about what had happened. It was terrible. Too much for a child to handle. Was I made this way? Or did I look at everything logically since ever?
Had I lost my childhood?
It was nothing, but my nature.
My “learning” nature. I was a student of world.
I was an observer.
I learnt from my mistakes, and others.
I had a capability to accept situations gracefully.
And I thought I was weak? How could I?
A child with a “never” ending family problem, a child with parents too busy fighting to “concentrate” on her, a child with hardly any friends, a child neglected at school, a child under nearly every kind of abuse, sometimes physical (but not too bad) and a child who has no one to share all this with.
It wasn’t easy to grow.
Wasn’t easy to be the person I am.
Nobody ever taught me the good and bad. It was just life. Nobody ever spoke to me with love to get things done.
I was ordered.
Learning the “skills” of life, weren’t easy for me. But I learnt.
Because i was strong – strong enough to know myself, strong enough to face the truth, strong enough, to give everyone a “second” chance, strong enough to let it go, strong enough to fight my fears and strong enough to LIVE this life the right way. If I’d let it haunt me, I’d be weak. If I’d refuse to accept my past and move on, I’d be weak. If I’d show my ANGER at the world, I’d be weak. I believed what so ever it may be, love changes it, and may it be the worse.
And I was right. Things changed – Parents, friends, school, reputation and the outlook of world. All I had to do was, stay strong, follow my rules and believe in ME. Observe and think before making a move. And sometimes, just “do it!” Staying on my rules was the main part. And the best part about my rules was, the last one says –
“Break the rules when you feel like.”
*caution – overuse of this rule will bring you back to where you started*
This is what makes me stand out. I give myself freedom, with conditions. And that is just how it should be.
Being a female, i have a huge killer living in me.
I have to try harder to stay strong then men probably. For me, things are connected – interrelated. But I fight them. And sometimes, I just let it go.
I cry – crying is a part of being strong.
A part of accepting yourself the way you are.
Those who don’t cry, are weak.
They don’t cry, because they think it’ll prove them needy and lonely.
No. This isn’t the case, “letting go” is a part of being strong and to let go, you NEED to just LET-IT-GO.
Looking at myself, keeping the fact of “ME” being a woman, at hand.
I was a strong woman.
I stood against anything that could be harm. I never took any unfair treatment, just because i “believed” it was fate.
Why should I? Our fate is written, but changing it is in our hand.
And I believed I could change it. Just that I had to stay strong. I may be left alone, I may be frowned upon. But I had to stay STRONG.
A woman, who gives up, may it be for family, love, children or society – is weak.
She isn’t a survivor. She won’t survive.
And a man, who thinks a woman can “never” be a survivor, is a weak man. A man who tries to impose his decisions, a man who tries to “show” his manliness by dominating a woman is “weak”.
He is “dead” weak.
A man who cannot respect, cannot UNDERSTAND a woman, is weak.
Just because a woman is complicated, they say.
No. It’s because, she’s too simple for HIM to understand.
A man who cannot keep his word and a man, who cannot prioritize his life, are not even worth being called a “man.”
My thoughts were interrupted, by a mist of desires rising from somewhere within me.
What was it?
I moved closer to myself. But I couldn’t figure it out. I needed to get closer.
And there, I saw it.
It felt warm and welcoming. It felt beautiful. I could smell the peaceful aroma of love, trust and wish to be with someone, which explained what it was. It was the desire every woman and man has.
May they accept it or not.
I do. I am a human and this proves me human.
It surrounded me. I grew within it. It grew with me.
And I accepted it with grace. It is a fact of life that has to live. But those who frown at it, who refuse to accept it – are weak.
When they have not the courage to accept the truth, how shall they be accepting life?
Where, the biggest of the truth is life.
What are they doing in this world? When they are fighting life? Rather than fighting FOR life? They forget, they have to control life, not controlled by life.
Control – another characteristic of a strong person. And not many own this quality.
But, that is not just how it has to be, you need to let life have some upper hand too. And there comes, balance and not anyone knows the real definition.
Where resistance to change is important, so is accepting change.
Where remembering the past is important, forgetting is important too.
You just need to know the right timings.
Same way, where not taking revenge is important, you need to know the “right way” to get back at someone. Without losing self respect.
And then, the thought came back to me.
The question, unanswered.
Why would I think i was weak?
From myself or others.
The last condition of weakness.
“How do I deal with criticism?” I asked myself.
And I saw myself smiling back at me.
A smile that shined.
A smile of beauty.
A smile of strength.
And it told the story – I was a learner.
I learnt from it.
Carefully filtering out the “useless and harmful” criticism.
May it be from me or others?
That is what criticism is for, I told myself.
It’s for improvement, and if you don’t know the purpose, you don’t know how to handle it.
You won’t know how to survive.
It was all so deep, yet sorted out.
So much, yet concise.
So complicated, yet understandable.
Just like life.
Full of freedom, yet conditioned.
You just need to understand and accept.
Opening my eyes at the break of dawn, I felt so new, so refreshed.
Just like ME.
That is when I decided, I’ll always me “ME”, myself because only I knew how to handle what’s in MY plate and how does it taste.
Outsiders can only see the colors they won’t know how it is, until it’s in their plate and they have to live with it.
I got up from my bed, and walked to my mirror.
This time i saw me.
ME – strong, determined and sure, surrounded by an aura of independence.
That made me smile.
The smile of confidence I saw last night.
I grew overnight.
Stronger and happier.
Written by: Dr.AM
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