The Unsaid

I woke up startled by the alarm I’d completely forgotten about while my emotional breakdown session last night. I was generally thought to be a pretty nice yet cold hearted person; I mean, how do people even come up with such ironic descriptions but what no one knew was how hard it was to hold things together and how much I hated everything at times. It was a cold Tuesday morning, around 5:54 am now, I forced myself out of bed. Splashing water at my face, I looked in the mirror; the mirror told my story. I didn’t know if it was my ego or my stupidity, but what it had done to me was screaming out to the world to show its existence. My hair were a mess, eyes red and swollen with dark patches under them. “This is what makeup is for”, I thought to myself. As I dressed up for work and pretended the incident that took place the night before never happened, my heart banged hard against my chest; fast, loud and hard, how much ever could I have denied the truth, I knew what I had lost, what I was going to miss. I knew this wasn’t the solution and that I was running away from reality but I also knew that I couldn’t do this. Not yet.

I was right there, on my knees, praying and begging for this to not happen. I knew it would end and worst was that I knew it would hurt. I begged, I prayed a lot. I didn’t want this if it didn’t last. I wanted what would last, for a lifetime, may it be good or may it be bad. I was trying to walk away from making a mistake, and it felt like it was following me, everywhere. I wanted strength to fight it, to walk away from it. I raised my hands, closing my eyes and tears rolling down my cheeks. I wanted strength, I wanted peace. I wanted an easy life. Just then the sound of toaster snapped me out of the memory; I stood there, alone by my kitchen cabinet sipping on my coffee, and the sound of clock ticking. “It’s not like it’s the end of world”, I thought to myself and continued to have my breakfast.
As I reached for the door, my heart got louder and faster. There was so much noise in my head but I didn’t want to sit down and try to listen to what it said. I knew I’d breakdown and then I’d have no one by my side to help me through it. If the thought of it hurt me so much, it would kill me if it actually happened. “I told you Haya, now what would crying about it bring to you?!” I scolded myself, opening the door and stepping out the apartment. As I walked down the stairs, my feet felt heavy, like my body asked me to stay home, to take a break. Like my soul wanted me to embrace myself and cry, scream and plead. I took a deep breath as I finally forced my steps out on the street where I stood staring at the place where I first met him.
I tried moving ahead, but just then I saw him standing there. He was all I ever wanted. He was handsome, with great dark hair, and gorgeous eyes. He walked towards me, his eyes burning into mine. I could hear my heart scream how much I wanted him as he ran his fingers through my hair placing them behind my ear and kissing my forehead gently. “You’re okay?” my neighbor asked me placing her hand on my shoulder.
I was standing there, staring at nothing, unable to figure out what I just felt.“Yea, I guess just a little sleepy yet” I smiled, “Have a nice day” I said, walking away.
I got into my car, and drove to the first signal. My eyes filled with tears, heart beating loud and hard still.
I couldn’t do this anymore, I thought to my self
It was driving me crazy. It was killing me. I felt like my emotions would choke me, all that was unsaid, was burning me to the inside, I could feel fire in my blood and my heart trying to burst out of my chest. I couldn’t be strong anymore. I couldn’t hold things together anymore. Just then, he held my hand. As the tears rolled down my cheeks, he tightened his grip. I looked at him. He was mine. His eyes told me, how much he loved me. I could trust them. They were beautiful, full of all the love. I wondered how much more could there be. He smiled at me, the smile that comforted me, like it said, “I’m always going to be there for you.” Every time I looked at him, I realized, how useless everything else is, how he completed me, my life and my day. Please stay. Please be mine. Please don’t leave. I thought.
Just then, I saw my hand empty.
I looked up, he was nowhere.
He’d gone.
I wiped my tears; luckily I was just in time for the green light. I drove ahead.
My hands trembled. I couldn’t maintain my grip. I couldn’t get my eyes off my empty hand.
I got off my car, and walked into my office.
I looked around.
People on the phone, people discussing issues, people completing tasks like time was running. Busy people; everywhere, and my time seemed to have stopped. Like I was still standing where I started, like my world had stopped, shattered or it never existed. Like I never knew where I was, as if until now it was all an illusion. I stood at the door, staring blankly at the hall full of people but it felt like, no one could see me. Like I was alone, there was a room full of people but still I had no one.
“Morning Haya!” a coworker greeted with a smile, as she walked by.
I forced a smile, standing there, unable to move, hardly able to breathe and suddenly everything went silent all I could hear was my heart banging against my chest. My chest felt heavy, I was breathing loud, I could feel a huge lump in my throat.
I stepped back.
I knew I was about to fall apart.
It felt like I was on fire, yet my hands turned cold. I was shivering down to my soul.
I ran back to my car and sat there, as tears rolled down.
There was so much noise in my head, so much confusion. I wanted to run away from it and all the pain it was giving me, so I started driving.
As fast as I could.
I had no idea where I was headed.
The faster I drove, the faster memories raced through my head.
I remembered everything. My memory was a curse.
I saw him, sitting there, beside me. Smiling at me, the smile that gave me a reason to hold on was no more going to be there to brighten up my day. I don’t know how other people handled it, how they could be okay with not having someone they loved in their life or how they survived the thought of not ever getting to see them and tell them how much they meant to them, even when they’re on the same land as you are, may be a different corner of the world but they’re there.
I cannot go a day without this smile, I thought to myself.
I cannot go a day without him.
He was never supposed to mean this much to me.
I knew what I was walking into.
I walked into it because I loved him. A lot.
I’d always wanted to be with him but I knew being with him was going to be hard and that it was going to end.
The end was what I was scared to walk into.
After the end would be a new start. I never wanted any other start. I just wanted him.
But he never got it, and I never said it.
We’d meet every day.
Argue, fight, mock each other and other people, flirt and even romance each other.
But never could I ever say I wanted to be with him for a life time, nor did he ever say so.
Did he really never want me as much as I wanted him? I wondered.
And I couldn’t hold it in me anymore. I pulled the car to the side and got off the car.
I stood in the middle of nowhere, crying alone, and mourning for every moment I lived until then.
I had no one I could go to. I felt like I’d angered my God too.
I fell down to my knees on the sand and looked up, blinded by the sun and my tear filled eyes.
“I asked you to keep me away from hurting” I said, “How much more do you want me to hurt!? How much more do I still have to learn” I cried, talking to God.
“I never intended to make this mistake, I wanted to walk away from sinning, I never intended to fall in love, I never wanted to lose him, I NEVER wanted to get into this, I asked You to keep me out of this, I begged You to help me through this. Why didn’t You?” I continued screaming and crying. “You made him come in my life, I never asked for him! Instead I wanted you to take him away. But You still didn’t! What have I ever done to deserve this?!” I asked crying.
I fell down, prostrating, begging for peace, regretting everything I had never said. Regretting every word I never told him. Regretting all the unsaid.
“You don’t get to do this to me now. You don’t get to take him away from me now, now when i cannot go a day without him. Don’t do this to me. don’t make me go through this. I can’t. I beg You, please fix it. Don‘t do this. Not now, not ever.” I said, crying on the ground “I don’t know how to get through this. I don’t know how to make this work.”
I helped myself up, wiping off my tears and dusting off the sand. The sun was setting. I sat there staring at the sky. There was so much more to life than this although this was an end.
And I still didn’t want another start after this end.
I didn’t want to get over the feel of his touch.
I didn’t want to forget the way he made me feel every time he said he loved me.
I didn’t want to miss the feeling I got when I saw love in his eyes.
I might have been just another girl to him, but like I always said, he was; everything to me, some things can be replaced, not everything. I knew he would be everything to me, when I first met him. I knew he’d be my happiness, the time with him would be the only time I’d be living the life I could only dream of and I knew it would be the end of everything, when I’d lose him.
But I loved him, so much that I still walked towards the end I feared, just for the sake of a couple of memories with him.
He might have had many girls love him, so did I have many men adore me but his love to me was more than the word “special” could explain. It was something I least expected to have. He never realized how much it meant to me. If he did, he wouldn’t have gone, I thought sipping my coffee, standing in my balcony.
I turned around, looking at the empty house. Years had passed since he’d walked away, I had everything that anyone could desire. From a fancy car to a good bank balance, but it still didn’t feel complete. I could give up all of it, any day to live the life I wished for.
He sat there smiling at me, on a chair in the lounge. His eyes still filled with that love.
I walked up to him and he grabbed my hand, getting up from the chair and kissed my forehead.
I looked up in his eyes, tears rolling down my cheeks.
“There may be a lot more to life, but that’s not for me.” I said, “I’m sorry, I never asked you to stay. I never said anything. I’m sorry I never told you how much I wanted you in my life. I am sorry I never said I wanted a family with you.” I continued.
“Shhh! I love you” he said, and I still felt exactly what I felt when I heard it the first time.
Just then I realized there was nothing, nobody but me in my big house; I started down at my empty hand. I could hear my heart beating, loud and fast. The clock kept ticking. And I was alone, with all that was unsaid.
Written by: Dr. AM
Disclaimer: All the short stories published here are either fiction or semi-fiction. Any similarities to the stories, with the exception of historical figures, places and events, of persons or places, living or dead is purely co-incidental.
© All Rights Reserved

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